


Who's on First

by celticmuse



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:41:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24790246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celticmuse/pseuds/celticmuse
Summary: Leonard McCoy is on the trail of a mystery. Short humor piece
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	Who's on First

_Glee, fiendish unmitigated, glee._

Leonard McCoy savored the emotion like a sommelier tasting rare vintage Chianti. He added a cup of black coffee to his tray then placed the tray on the counter and allowed the computer to scan his foodchip. He was about to head across the mess hall to the tables reserved for the ship's senior officers when he felt a tap on his shoulder. 

"Is canary on the menu today, Bones?" 

"I'm on to something, Jim, something big." 

"That antiviral for the Tarkelean plasma virus you've been working on?" 

"Bigger." 

"An antidote for Romulan meditox gas?" 

"Bigger. Your blasted Vulcan First Officer and my ACMO." 

"Spock… and Doctor Chapel?" 

"They're up to something, Jim, and I've got proof." 

"Proof? Proof of what Bones? What in the hell are you talking about?" 

"Last night I asked Chris to have dinner with me." 

"You asked me to dinner last night." 

"That was after she said no." 

"Wait-I was your second choice?" Kirk asked as he nodded toward a secluded table in the back corner. 

"The point is, when I asked her if she was free for dinner she thanked me but said she had 'plans.'"

"So what exactly does that prove except she has good manners and apparently a better social life than either of us?" 

"Okay, then tell me this: why is it you were free for dinner on a Friday night?" 

"Spock canceled our standing Friday night chess match because he had…plans." 

McCoy rocked back on his heels with a triumphant grin. "'Plans', Jim, they both had 'plans.'"

Kirk settled himself at the small round table. Most of the Alpha command had already returned to duty and the normally bustling dining room was relatively quiet. 

"Okay, so they both had plans. It's hardly enough evidence to support some nefarious conspiracy theory." 

"Okay, but listen to this. This morning I was twenty minutes late to sickbay and Christine didn't say a single word about it." 

"You were late for duty?" Kirk stiffened. 

"Yes, but that's not the point." 

"Why were you late for duty?" 

"That's not the point, try to focus. Chapel normally reads me the riot act for being late, but this morning she didn't even notice." 

"Normally? You've been late for shift frequently?" 

"Just a couple of times, but that's not the point, Jim. There's more." 

"More?" 

"She was humming.” 

" "Humming?" 

"Christine, she was humming. I've never seen her do that, ever." 

"I don't see what humming has to do with…"

"There's more, Jim. I used my medical override to pull up their PerScan data. Not only did they both get diner at the exact same time last night, they both accessed the replicator in one of the private Officer's lounge rooms for Deltan Rose Tea. They were on a date I tell you." 

"So we have Spock and Christine Chapel, both officers, eating dinner in the Officer's Mess, and Christine humming, not exactly overwhelming evidence of anything. On the other hand we have you repeatedly late for shift and abusing your medical authorization to spy on two fellow officers." 

"But, Jim—"

"Sorry Bones, I know Christine had feelings for Spock during the first tour, hell the whole ship knew. Why would he suddenly be interested now after all these years? Much as it pains me to use the word, it's just not logical." 

"We'll maybe that V'ger thing knocked some sense into that thick Vulcan head of his? You have to admit he's been different this past couple of months." 

Across the crowded mess the Vulcan in question was perusing the selection of vegetarian lunch options. Settling on a bowl of soup and some hot tea, he joined Kirk and McCoy at their table. 

Spock lifted a quizzical eyebrow as he seated himself. "Is there a problem, gentlemen?" "Problem, Spock?" Kirk responded. 

"Your scrutiny is palpable, so I shall repeat my question. Is there a problem?" 

"No." the pair responded, a little too fast and a little too loud. 

The men ate in companionable silence for a few minutes, before McCoy jumped in. 

"Christine was certainly in a good mood when she came in this morning." 

Spock looked up from his meal, canting his head slightly to the left he regarded McCoy with veiled amusement. "It is not particularly surprising that her mood would be elevated before she joined you." 

McCoy's jaw dropped at the unexpected retort, and the aggrieved doctor grumbled a halfhearted rebuttal. 

"I thought you weren't there when she came in this morning, Bones?" Kirk asked with a grin. 

"You were late for duty, Doctor? That was not noted on the morning report." 

"I've already made up the time. Anyway, I invited Christine to dinner last night but she couldn't make it because she had plans. Based on her mood this morning I'm guessing that she enjoyed her evening." 

"I have found that there are so many variables involved in the moodiness of humans that it would be difficult to ascribe a cause and effect scenario to explain Doctor Chapel's current mood. Such inference, based on speculation, cannot possibly garner objective data. Perhaps, Doctor, it would be prudent to simply ask her what factor or factors might have contributed to her state of mind?" 

"Well V'ger certainly didn't make him any less annoying." McCoy grumbled. 

Kirk's standard policy was to keep out of the verbal fencing matches between his First Officer and Chief Medical Officer, however he was still a bit annoyed with Spock for breaking their standing chess match with so little notice, and with McCoy for making him his second choice for dinner. 

"As I recall, Mr. Spock, you had 'plans' of your own last night as well, though I don't remember you being especially chipper when you came on duty this morning. Although…" he added giving McCoy a stern look, "you were at your station on time, as always." 

"Chipper, sir?" Spock again hoisted the puzzled eyebrow. 

"Apparently Chapel was humming this morning in Sickbay." 

"I see. I can assure you both, that Vulcans do not hum." 

"Not surprising,humorless, pointy earred…"

"Bones!" 

"Am I to understand that the two of you have made some inference as to how Doctor Chapel and I spent last evening?" 

"Well…now that you mention it." 

"Doctor Chapel and I shared the evening meal together. Am I to assume that is the information you are attempting to elicit from me?" 

"So…how did it go?" 

"How did what go?" 

"Your date with Christine, what happened?" 

"Vulcans do not date, Doctor." 

"Whatever," McCoy soldiered on, undaunted by the Vulcan's imperious gaze. 

"So, are we going to get any details?" 

"I believe I have already told you, we shared the evening meal." 

"You might as well tell me. If you don't I'll just get it out of Christine." 

Spock looked to Kirk, apparently hoping for some assistance, but Kirk wasn't moved. 

"You know he's like a dog with a bone, Spock. He's not going to let this go until you give him an answer." 

Spock shook his head and returned to eating his soup. "I am seeing the wisdom in the Vulcan custom of consuming meals in silence." 

"Okay, Spock," McCoy said with a smile. "I'll make you a deal. One question, you truthfully answer one simple yes or no question and I'll let the whole thing drop." 

Spock regarded McCoy for a moment. "A single question?" 

"Yes, one question, but you have to answer it truthfully." 

"Vulcans do not prevaricate, Doctor. I must say, I do not place great confidence in your ability to fulfill your side of the agreement. Experiential data suggests that you are unable to let a subject drop. You will give your word, with Jim as witness?" 

McCoy raised his right hand. "One question." 

Spock sighed. "I need only answer 'yes' or 'no'?" 

"Just one question, yes or no, and I'll let the whole thing drop." 

"Agreed. You may ask your question." 

McCoy took a sip of coffee as he pondered the phrasing of his question. "Okay, last night, did you and Christine get past first base?" 

Kirk and the doctor leaned in toward Spock like a pair of hungry kittens with a plate of cream, but Spock's only response was a puzzled frown." 

"Spock, that means-"

Spock's eyes sparked with unguarded amusement. "I am quite aware of the meaning, Doctor. I am merely surprised at your line of inquiry. The very nature of your question tells me that you are greatly mistaken as to the nature of my evening with Doctor Chapel. The answer to your question is an unequivocal no, Doctor. Now if you will excuse me I have experiments waiting in the lab." 

"Well I'll be." McCoy said as Spock strode out of the mess hall. "I was so sure they were up to something." 

"So, Dr. McCoy, exactly how many times have you been late for duty?" 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Spock finished setting up the last experiment and headed back to his quarters. He entered the turbolift and was surprised to find Christine Chapel carrying a tray with a stasis bowl and a container of ginger ale. She smiled anxiously at him then returned her gaze to the contents of the tray. 

"Soup?" he asked as he entered the code for his quarters. 

"Ensign Mulvahill is still down with that stomach virus," she responded, shifting her stance to keep the tray balanced against the movement of the lift. "I had a lovely time last night." 

"It was a most extraordinary evening, Christine." 

"I've never…" she brought her eyes to meet his as her cheeks flushed. "I’ve never done anything like that before. Sleeping with someone on the first date, that's not really my style." 

"Nor, mine." 

"I was afraid it was all a dream." 

"A dream?" 

"When I woke up and you were gone, well, I thought maybe I dreamed the whole thing." 

"You looked so lovely sleeping that I did not wish to waken you." 

"I was afraid that perhaps you felt …regret, about you know, what happened." 

"My only regret is that I made us wait so long." 

"We'll you more than made up for it last night." 

A faint hint of a smile touched his lips. "I was concerned… that my lack of experience—I know that human women place a great deal of importance on certain—aspects-I hope you were not disappointed, Christine." 

"I was not disappointed, not at all- it was wonderful." 

"Then, you would wish for us to… continue?" 

"Very much so." 

"Then, perhaps we could share another meal this evening?" 

"I'd like that, but maybe we should eat in my quarters. Dr. McCoy was already snooping around this morning, asking all kinds of questions. I hope he hasn't figured out what happened, I don't think either of us is ready for one of Leonard's inquisitions." 

"He was, as you say, 'snooping around' at lunch this afternoon." 

"You didn't tell him, did you?" 

"No. But it was most curious. He apparently thought we were engaged in a game of sport?" 

"A game of sport?" 

"Your terran game of baseball." 

"Baseball?" 

"Yes, he asked me if we had gotten past first base." 

"Oh, Spock," she laughed, "he wasn't asking about baseball." 

"I thought first base was a baseball term?" 

"It is, but it's also sort of a euphemism for…"

"For?" 

"Well it's kind of an analogy for…"

"For?" 

"Sex, it's like… well each of the bases represents… a more intimate act of sexual foreplay." 

"I see. So did we get past first base?" 

"Oh we rounded the bases so many times last night I lost count." 

"Then my answer to Doctorr McCoy was not in keeping with our agreement." 

"Your agreement?" 

"I agreed to answer one question truthfully, in exchange for his promise to allow the matter to drop. 

" "You gave a truthful answer to the question you believed he was asking. I would say you honored the spirit of the agreement." 

"This rounding of the bases, it is a desirable thing?" 

"Quite desirable, in fact, I believe that I might nominate you for the Rookie of the Year award." 

"Your people give awards for…mating?" 

"No," she laughed as the lift door opened. "I'll explain it to you later. Once I check on Ensign Mulvahill I'm offshift." 

After taking a quick look to make sure that no one was in the hallway she gave Spock a quick peck on the cheek. 

"Christine. Do you think it would it be possible for you teach me how to hum?" 

"Hum? I suppose I can. Why do you want to learn to hum?" 

"I believe I would like to hum on the bridge tomorrow morning."


End file.
